Too Soon?

With the death of a designer comes the end to a democratic nominee's primary bid...a strange omen, or mere coincidence? Your thoughts?

So, rest in peace to a fabulous artist, a beautiful mind and the personification of women's liberation. But alas, metaphorically speaking, it's time to move on....and drop the pant suit.

Insert Joke Here:

This past weekend, the Coachella alternative music festival featured a spirited performance by British rock legends, Pink Floyd. During the song "Pigs on the Wing," a giant inflatable pig (pictured above) floated above the crowd, creating a memorable spectacle. Tethered to the ground by ropes, the pig featured a ballot box checked for Obama and the words "fear builds walls" and "don't be led to the slaughter." As well, a cartoon of Uncle Sam holding two meat cleavers sealed its stern political message.

Unfortunately, due to technical malfunctions, the two bus-length pig floated away and was lost. It was later recovered when found lying over two families' driveways, in nearby La Quinta. The families shared the $10,000 and four lifetime Coachella tickets offered for its return.

So here's what you have to work with:

Metaphor - Obama's rapidly deflating campaign
Conspiracy - Hillary got the Mexicans to sabotage the Pig
Current Events - Jeremiah Wright shot down the pig with fiery black liberation rhetoric
Current Events - The Inventor of LSD just died; in turn, so did the relevance of Pink Floyd
Racism - Something about the pig getting caught up on barbed wire or getting burnt by maquiladora smoke

Submit your best one liners this week...

Time Lapsed Photos

From the Huffington Post, here we see projections of what the three U.S. presidential candidates will look like in four years time. In Hillary Clinton's case, the results are particularly disconcerting.

Hold My Hand for the Sax Solo Hunny...

Yesterday, Bill Clinton was out hard on the hustings, speaking to eager Indiana University students on the virtues of his wife's presidential campaign. Prior to his appearance, long lines had formed in hopes of hearing the Democratic icon speak.

Never to be outdone, this is when the Obama campaign made their decisive move...

Staffers quickly announced that they would be giving away free tickets to Sunday's local Dave Matthews concert. Given the popularity of the 90's alt-rock band, Obama's Bloomington headquarters were immediately inundated with requests. The ensuing lineups pulled many students from the Clinton cue, leaving Bill's draw diminished.

Now, here's a recommendation, a remedy the Clinton campaign should have employed if they were nimble and understanding of their audience. Simply open the war chest and spend the necessary amount to reconvene Hootie and the Blowfish. From there, all they would need is some bad weed, beer bongs and faded khakis to get those turncoats back on-side.

Instead, next month at the polls, lovesick couples will look longingly into each other's eyes, vowing to disregard the "dreams of our fathers" and vote for a hip black man.

Sly or Rocky?

Today in Philadelphia, Hillary Clinton referenced Rocky Balboa when speaking to calls for her to drop out of the Democratic presidential primary contest. "Let me tell you something, when it comes to finishing a fight, Rocky and I have a lot in common. I never quit. I never give up. And neither do the American people," Clinton said.

Apparently, Clinton forgot to think through the comparison fully. Sylvestor Stallone, the actor playing Rocky since the first film's debut in 1976, is now the quintessential example of someone who should have given up his trade long ago. Arrested in 2006 at an Australian airport for steroid posession, at over 60 he is still making action films best suited for men half his age.

Hillary, do you really want this race to sag so low??

The REAL Subprime Lending Crisis

Irony Alert!!! Ah, what a relief! It wasn't Countrywide's fault all along folks. The Subprime crisis can, in fact, be linked back to just one person.

If the U.S. Election were an Online Pick’em Tournament…

Although sports isn't necessarily our forte here, the NCAA tournament certainly calls for drastic measures. And, yes, there are some potent political lessons to be learned here on the part of the Democrats. This is a sporting event that manages to take 64 groups of young black and white men, usher them throughout the country with a stressful schedule and still determine a winner in a month. Still beats a year and a half, no?

Both presidential candidates, Barack Obama and John McCain, earlier this month released their picks for the tournament. While they may not agree on various policy issues, especially the future course of action in Iraq, they do concur that the University of North Carolina will win the championship.

First, Obama picked three of the the four finalists, missing only Memphis, who he believed would fall to Pittsburgh in the regional semi-finals. In Obama’s defence, however, he is still campaigning. If he were to have picked against Pittsburgh there may have been grave repercussions in the upcoming Pennsylvania primary. With 158 delegates at stake on April 22 and another 115 up for grabs on May 6 in North Carolina, Obama’s bracket is a nice combination of common sense...and gutless politicking. Take your pick.

McCain’s blunder was much worse. He also picked three of the four finalists, but thought the University of North Carolina would beat Connecticut in the final. UConn, however, ended up pulling a Rudy Giuliani and lost in the first round to San Diego. McCain’s Elite Eight picks, of which he picked only 4 correctly, was heavy with schools from red states: two schools from North Carolina, two from Tennessee, and then Texas and Kansas rounding it out. Of of the two exceptions, afore-mentioned UConn was likely a thank-you to Senator Joe Lieberman; Georgetown, the other blue standing out in the group, payed homage to top aide Mark Salter’s Alma matter.

Hilary Clinton, on the other hand, deferred her NCAA picks to her husband, who subsequently decided to pass. Ominous foreshadowing perhaps?

After 60 games, Obama has correctly picked the winners of 38 games while McCain has chosen correctly 36 times. Overall, this equates to 63.3% accuracy versus a still-impressive 60%.

Ultimately, what this all means is, yes, politics and Bracketology are both crap shoots. The moral of the story - with all four number one seeds now going to the final four - is that most likely Abigail from the mailroom is going to win your office pool. And Obama and McCain will now fire the guys who were tasked with making them look "hip" via basketball picks.

Have you Seen my Baseball?

Our worst fears have finally been realized: one of the Democratic Presidential nominees is now riding the short school bus.

With the ever-popular duo of Hal Johnson and Joanne McLeod* looking on, Saturday saw Barack Obama deliver yet another powerful, inspiring speech. “My attitude is Senator Clinton can run as long as she wants," Obama said.

Congratulations DNC, months of drawn-out bickering, racial tensions and hilarious black liberation theology Youtube videos have denigrated into little more than political ParticipACTION.

Now, the prevailing question deals with whether the New York State Governorship is merely another participant ribbon. Giuliani's "special" too, though...

* The affable stars of Body Break were not actually in attendance

**A New Feature** - The Captain's Corner

Oh, sometimes I truly hope that the U.S. Presidential election comes down to Hillary Clinton vs. John McCain. Because of their political platforms? For a more charismatic battle? No. A storied infatuation with pant suits? Maybe. But probably not.

No, I want this dream matchup so that, maybe, footage of this "joke" will resurface.

To recap, in 1998 - during the heated midst of the Lewinsky scandal - McCain tossed out this little ditty:

- "Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly?"
- "Because her father is Janet Reno."

Democratic Genealogy

The latest buzz circulating through the Democratic primary race is that genealogists discovered Angelina Jolie and Hillary Clinton are distant relatives. As well, ironically enough, Brad Pitt and Barack Obama are also far-removed family.

In the biggest twist of them all, it turns out Ms. Jolie recently adopted three babies who were illegitimately fathered by Obama during his 2006 cross-Africa tour.

My Walk to School This Morning - The Clinton Version

So I was on the sidewalk today, scurrying to the subway alongside my pals Sinbad and Sheryl Crow, when I heard a load POP POP! "Did someone just open a can of soda?" I thought. No, as a bullet whizzed by my ear, we're under sniper fire!! Jesus Christ, what have I got myself into?!

So next thing I knew, I was running to the High Park underground base, the Globe and Mail whizzing in a cool breeze under my flailing arms. 'Lots of Eastern Europeans in this region, granted, but this is fucking Bosnia!' I mused to myself, sprinting faster than an Albanian in Belgrade.

I finally made it, the glass shattering from shrapnel in my midst. My coffee nearly spilled as I barrel-rolled to safety, down the steep steps into the waiting arms of a TTC soldier. They ushered me inside, behind the bullet-proof ticket window.

I took a sip of coffee, scoured the business headlines, and shook my head. Wiping the gun powder off my sleeve, my eyes were beady, cold steel. The Bear Stearns deal just went up 5-fold. "Those fucking terrorists can't mess with MY day," I chuckled, blood running down my glistening forehead.

This never happened. I did sub-par work all day, and now I'm tired and ashamed. But to read more harrowing tales of exaggeration, this time by Mrs. Clinton, click here. She is, mind you, "only human."

A Great New Take on a Classic Ballet

This man is living proof that, besides the oil kickbacks and tax breaks, it pays to be an enterprising Texas Republican.

P. S. Is it not weird that the reporter decided to use Estonia as an example of the sales breadth the company's getting?