Envy...

If only Bill would have got to her first...

Insert Joke Here:

This past weekend, the Coachella alternative music festival featured a spirited performance by British rock legends, Pink Floyd. During the song "Pigs on the Wing," a giant inflatable pig (pictured above) floated above the crowd, creating a memorable spectacle. Tethered to the ground by ropes, the pig featured a ballot box checked for Obama and the words "fear builds walls" and "don't be led to the slaughter." As well, a cartoon of Uncle Sam holding two meat cleavers sealed its stern political message.

Unfortunately, due to technical malfunctions, the two bus-length pig floated away and was lost. It was later recovered when found lying over two families' driveways, in nearby La Quinta. The families shared the $10,000 and four lifetime Coachella tickets offered for its return.

So here's what you have to work with:

Metaphor - Obama's rapidly deflating campaign
Conspiracy - Hillary got the Mexicans to sabotage the Pig
Current Events - Jeremiah Wright shot down the pig with fiery black liberation rhetoric
Current Events - The Inventor of LSD just died; in turn, so did the relevance of Pink Floyd
Racism - Something about the pig getting caught up on barbed wire or getting burnt by maquiladora smoke

Submit your best one liners this week...

Time Lapsed Photos

From the Huffington Post, here we see projections of what the three U.S. presidential candidates will look like in four years time. In Hillary Clinton's case, the results are particularly disconcerting.

The Rocky Comparison Gets Flipped...

Remember when Hillary compared herself to Rocky while campaigning in Philly? Despite the hilarious contradiction regarding Rocky's loss in the first film and Sly Stallone's embarrassing, drug-ridden decline...this is much better (and visually stunning).

In fact, folks, it's Obama who draws the true likeness...

John Stewart is a Genious

Hold My Hand for the Sax Solo Hunny...

Yesterday, Bill Clinton was out hard on the hustings, speaking to eager Indiana University students on the virtues of his wife's presidential campaign. Prior to his appearance, long lines had formed in hopes of hearing the Democratic icon speak.

Never to be outdone, this is when the Obama campaign made their decisive move...

Staffers quickly announced that they would be giving away free tickets to Sunday's local Dave Matthews concert. Given the popularity of the 90's alt-rock band, Obama's Bloomington headquarters were immediately inundated with requests. The ensuing lineups pulled many students from the Clinton cue, leaving Bill's draw diminished.

Now, here's a recommendation, a remedy the Clinton campaign should have employed if they were nimble and understanding of their audience. Simply open the war chest and spend the necessary amount to reconvene Hootie and the Blowfish. From there, all they would need is some bad weed, beer bongs and faded khakis to get those turncoats back on-side.

Instead, next month at the polls, lovesick couples will look longingly into each other's eyes, vowing to disregard the "dreams of our fathers" and vote for a hip black man.

Bowling for the Presidency

The 'Good Train' Barack Obama might now have a problem. At a campaign stop Sunday, Obama laced up his highly-fashionable
bowling shoes and yoked it up with some down-home regulars at the local alley.

Unfortunately, Obama bowled a 37. Yes, 30 freakin’ 7! Remember, a perfect score in bowling is a 300. Even worse, the White House has a bowling lane in the basement. Hastily defending his game, Obama quipped that “my economic plan is better than my bowling." To which an onlooker shouted, "it has to be."

Obviously Chris Matthews and his Hardball crew had to have the last word:

If the U.S. Election were an Online Pick’em Tournament…

Although sports isn't necessarily our forte here, the NCAA tournament certainly calls for drastic measures. And, yes, there are some potent political lessons to be learned here on the part of the Democrats. This is a sporting event that manages to take 64 groups of young black and white men, usher them throughout the country with a stressful schedule and still determine a winner in a month. Still beats a year and a half, no?

Both presidential candidates, Barack Obama and John McCain, earlier this month released their picks for the tournament. While they may not agree on various policy issues, especially the future course of action in Iraq, they do concur that the University of North Carolina will win the championship.

First, Obama picked three of the the four finalists, missing only Memphis, who he believed would fall to Pittsburgh in the regional semi-finals. In Obama’s defence, however, he is still campaigning. If he were to have picked against Pittsburgh there may have been grave repercussions in the upcoming Pennsylvania primary. With 158 delegates at stake on April 22 and another 115 up for grabs on May 6 in North Carolina, Obama’s bracket is a nice combination of common sense...and gutless politicking. Take your pick.

McCain’s blunder was much worse. He also picked three of the four finalists, but thought the University of North Carolina would beat Connecticut in the final. UConn, however, ended up pulling a Rudy Giuliani and lost in the first round to San Diego. McCain’s Elite Eight picks, of which he picked only 4 correctly, was heavy with schools from red states: two schools from North Carolina, two from Tennessee, and then Texas and Kansas rounding it out. Of of the two exceptions, afore-mentioned UConn was likely a thank-you to Senator Joe Lieberman; Georgetown, the other blue standing out in the group, payed homage to top aide Mark Salter’s Alma matter.

Hilary Clinton, on the other hand, deferred her NCAA picks to her husband, who subsequently decided to pass. Ominous foreshadowing perhaps?

After 60 games, Obama has correctly picked the winners of 38 games while McCain has chosen correctly 36 times. Overall, this equates to 63.3% accuracy versus a still-impressive 60%.

Ultimately, what this all means is, yes, politics and Bracketology are both crap shoots. The moral of the story - with all four number one seeds now going to the final four - is that most likely Abigail from the mailroom is going to win your office pool. And Obama and McCain will now fire the guys who were tasked with making them look "hip" via basketball picks.

Have you Seen my Baseball?

Our worst fears have finally been realized: one of the Democratic Presidential nominees is now riding the short school bus.

With the ever-popular duo of Hal Johnson and Joanne McLeod* looking on, Saturday saw Barack Obama deliver yet another powerful, inspiring speech. “My attitude is Senator Clinton can run as long as she wants," Obama said.

Congratulations DNC, months of drawn-out bickering, racial tensions and hilarious black liberation theology Youtube videos have denigrated into little more than political ParticipACTION.

Now, the prevailing question deals with whether the New York State Governorship is merely another participant ribbon. Giuliani's "special" too, though...

* The affable stars of Body Break were not actually in attendance

Democratic Genealogy

The latest buzz circulating through the Democratic primary race is that genealogists discovered Angelina Jolie and Hillary Clinton are distant relatives. As well, ironically enough, Brad Pitt and Barack Obama are also far-removed family.

In the biggest twist of them all, it turns out Ms. Jolie recently adopted three babies who were illegitimately fathered by Obama during his 2006 cross-Africa tour.

Jesse Jackson?

Again, a big thank-you goes out to Fox News for shining light on the truth. Let those leftist fear mongers have it Mr. O'Reilly!

So, now it appears the Democrats are not only fighting a guerrilla war with Al-Qaeda, but Al Sharpton as well.

"Bitch may be the New Black - but Black is the new President, Bitch"

With Tracy Morgan's endorsement, Obama's campaign will surely soar.