Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Awkward for White People

You know when you say something and inadvertently, entirely unintentionally, sound completely prejudiced? It results in that horribly awkward feeling where you then must say things like "you know, I have lots of gay friends, so I mean...um...I said that in a joking way. You know, I was mocking the fact that there are people out there who are racist. You know, not me, but other people. Right? See?"

Here follows two painful minutes of that awkward feeling. How did this GOP representative actually think she could make a viable case up there?

Monday, December 22, 2008

The "New" Face of the Senate

Whoever said Pork-Barrel Spending isn't Hilarious?

Honestly, I've always respected Duffy as a journalist, but the likeness is uncanny and the wasted expense justifies the joke.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Watch Out: Canadian Political Humour Ahead

Dear Santa,

As a pluralism-endorsing, once-Harvard-professing, coalition-shunning, West Coast-olive-branch-offering, Toronto-centric, articulate, well-behaved, Senate-engineering, half-embarrassed-half-excited, baby-kissing, card-carrying, environment-loving (on paper), federal Liberal, I ask that you provide only the bare essentials this Christmas season. So I, Michael Ignatieff, ask for:

1) Harper’s sweater source (it had to be the sweaters, right?)

2) Last year back

3) Belinda Stronach, a life-like Peter MacKay mask and a greasy, symbolic bedroom floor to cross

3) Gerard Kennedy to find that damned time machine, go straight to 2006, and not fuck it up

4) Mike Harris to get a Senate seat (“Hey look, Ontario, it’s Mike Harris - Mike Harris with a Senate seat! Look! He’s really bad, remember him? Oh, wait, don’t bring up Bob Rae. Stop it. No comparison. Stop.”)

5) More recession + Jim Flaherty economic outlooks

6) Christie Blatchford to come out of the closet, find a supportive wife and stop slandering our defence policy simply because she’s “actually been” to Afghanistan

7) Julie Couillard to start dating Lawrence Cannon. Besides, Hedy Fry simply isn’t bringing the cleave

8) John Tory’s home phone number, just to call up and say “at least our former leader can get elected”

9) Barack Obama to say the following sentences in this exact order: “Michael Ignatieff is cool. He is even cooler than BlackBerrys, the internet and all celebrities combined. Young people should thus endorse Michael Ignatieff, because of said coolness.” Note: he must then smile

10) A single-use “I’m not a racist, I’m an academic” card, for use on my Ukrainian detractors

11) A picture of Danny Williams smoking a fatty with Hugo Chavez with their legs dangling over the edge of an expatriated dam

12) A one-way ticket out of this fucked up country

Bomb Bomb Bomb...Bomb Bomb Iran

Well, those lovable theocrats are back at it again! Indeed, Khomeini, Ahmadinejad and their forever equitable, Sharia-based judicial system are centre of the international stage. What pressing legal question are they addressing this time?

An 80-year-old Iranian spinster named Setareh recently requested a marriage license to wed her childhood boyfriend, Jamshid. Facing the sad prospect of dying alone in a nursing home, Setareh's dreams were answered when the elderly suitor came unexpectedly knocking. "Seeing Jamshid made my heart start beating faster and suddenly the passion of youth returned," she said.

Unfortunately, Iranian law requires that a bride-to-be's father approve the marriage certificate prior to wedlock. As Setareh's father abandoned her at the age of two, authorities must determine if and when Setareh's father died; also, they will see if he was in the military at any time upon leaving his family.

Given the lofty ages involved in the case, Iranian lawmakers are speculating on whether the father is, in fact, U.S. Senator John McCain. The presiding judge in the case, Mahmoud Baghal Shirvan - presumably referring to McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin - said "well he seems to want to bang devoutly religious chicks, even to this day." McCain's spokespeople have so far declined to comment on his having unprotected sex in Iran in 1928.

Thus, a ceremony that should be completed as easily as opening a grilled cheese sandwich here in Canada, is taking far more time in Iran. It simply illustrates that mixing religion, one-party democracy and a dysfunctional family can lead to a tight situation.

Could this explain why journalism is dead?

Sure, this video is a cheap laugh - but hell, we're in a recession! Watch as this seemingly professional journalist turns "ghetto".

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Tit for Tat, Nukes for Uigurs?

One may recall that, mere days ago, China severed some diplomatic ties with the U.S. over a multi-billion dollar arms deal inked with their arch rival: Taiwan. Then yesterday, surprise surprise, a U.S. judge ordered the release of 17 Chinese Muslim (I know - who knew?) separatists from Guantanamo Bay. The men have been detained there without formal charges since 2001, when they were captured in Afghanistan. While the Bush regime overturned the court ruling today, the timing of these two matters seems a little close for mere coincidence. Influencing of the judiciary, perhaps?

The moral of the story? Always keep an illegal prison camp in your back pocket in case you need to start some hardcore secessionist shit in Xinjiang province.

I'd watch out.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Doppleganger Alert: Jack Layton, a.k.a. Video Professor

Left: Jack Layton, NDP Party Leader Right: John W. Scherer, founder of Video Professor

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Reality TV in a Nutshell

Note: This video summarizes reality television. Despite any reality show concept, everyone is there for the same reason (other then fame-whoring and pole-smoking) ...to "not make friends"

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Friday, June 27, 2008

Watch McCain Vogue

Last week, Stephen Colbert launched yet another green screen challenge. This time, the ultimate goal is to "make McCain exiting" using footage from his horrible green screen speech.

This week's best entry: Vogue

Another sex tape that makes me never want to have sex!

Someone slept with Verne Troyer (a.k.a. Mini-me). Its true, he filmed the act as proof.

The latest "celebrity" sex tape exploded onto the net after snippets of the video appeared on TMZ.com. TMZ claims to have receive the footage from sex tape dealer Kevin Blatt, who brokered the deal for Paris Hilton's "One Night In Paris" tape. Blatt is said to be in negotiation to distribute the film for a large sum of money.

Let the mini-me jokes begin...

UPDATE: This morning, Troyer launched a $20 million lawsuit against TMZ.com for invasion of privacy and breach of copyright.