Thursday, January 1, 2009
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Here follows two painful minutes of that awkward feeling. How did this GOP representative actually think she could make a viable case up there?
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
Sadly both turned out to be untrue. Sure, Sinbad probably deserved some threats for making “First Kid,” but that’s neither here nor there.
Well, the RCMP is turning to the same software that has entertained- and proved a valuable, albeit dubious, research tool for- college students for years – Wikis. The RCMP's B.C. division is investigating whether it can use a "wiki" to keep better track of the province's most dangerous gangs.
The RCMP have an excellent track record, I see no way this could go wrong. Just ask Giuliano Zaccardelli or Robert Dziekanski.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
As a pluralism-endorsing, once-Harvard-professing, coalition-shunning, West Coast-olive-branch-offering, Toronto-centric, articulate, well-behaved, Senate-engineering, half-embarrassed-half-excited, baby-kissing, card-carrying, environment-loving (on paper), federal Liberal, I ask that you provide only the bare essentials this Christmas season. So I, Michael Ignatieff, ask for:
1) Harper’s sweater source (it had to be the sweaters, right?)
2) Last year back
3) Belinda Stronach, a life-like Peter MacKay mask and a greasy, symbolic bedroom floor to cross
3) Gerard Kennedy to find that damned time machine, go straight to 2006, and not fuck it up
4) Mike Harris to get a Senate seat (“Hey look, Ontario, it’s Mike Harris - Mike Harris with a Senate seat! Look! He’s really bad, remember him? Oh, wait, don’t bring up Bob Rae. Stop it. No comparison. Stop.”)
5) More recession + Jim Flaherty economic outlooks
6) Christie Blatchford to come out of the closet, find a supportive wife and stop slandering our defence policy simply because she’s “actually been” to Afghanistan
7) Julie Couillard to start dating Lawrence Cannon. Besides, Hedy Fry simply isn’t bringing the cleave
8) John Tory’s home phone number, just to call up and say “at least our former leader can get elected”
9) Barack Obama to say the following sentences in this exact order: “Michael Ignatieff is cool. He is even cooler than BlackBerrys, the internet and all celebrities combined. Young people should thus endorse Michael Ignatieff, because of said coolness.” Note: he must then smile
10) A single-use “I’m not a racist, I’m an academic” card, for use on my Ukrainian detractors
11) A picture of Danny Williams smoking a fatty with Hugo Chavez with their legs dangling over the edge of an expatriated dam
12) A one-way ticket out of this fucked up country
Well, those lovable theocrats are back at it again! Indeed, Khomeini, Ahmadinejad and their forever equitable, Sharia-based judicial system are centre of the international stage. What pressing legal question are they addressing this time?
An 80-year-old Iranian spinster named Setareh recently requested a marriage license to wed her childhood boyfriend, Jamshid. Facing the sad prospect of dying alone in a nursing home, Setareh's dreams were answered when the elderly suitor came unexpectedly knocking. "Seeing Jamshid made my heart start beating faster and suddenly the passion of youth returned," she said.
Unfortunately, Iranian law requires that a bride-to-be's father approve the marriage certificate prior to wedlock. As Setareh's father abandoned her at the age of two, authorities must determine if and when Setareh's father died; also, they will see if he was in the military at any time upon leaving his family.
Given the lofty ages involved in the case, Iranian lawmakers are speculating on whether the father is, in fact, U.S. Senator John McCain. The presiding judge in the case, Mahmoud Baghal Shirvan - presumably referring to McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin - said "well he seems to want to bang devoutly religious chicks, even to this day." McCain's spokespeople have so far declined to comment on his having unprotected sex in Iran in 1928.
Thus, a ceremony that should be completed as easily as opening a grilled cheese sandwich here in Canada, is taking far more time in Iran. It simply illustrates that mixing religion, one-party democracy and a dysfunctional family can lead to a tight situation.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job
WASHINGTON—African-American man Barack Obama, 47, was given the least-desirable job in the entire country Tuesday when he was elected president of the United States of America. In his new high-stress, low-reward position, Obama will be charged with such tasks as completely overhauling the nation's broken-down economy, repairing the crumbling infrastructure, and generally having to please more than 300 million Americans and cater to their every whim on a daily basis. As part of his duties, the black man will have to spend four to eight years cleaning up the messes other people left behind. The job comes with such intense scrutiny and so certain a guarantee of failure that only one other person even bothered applying for it. Said scholar and activist Mark L. Denton, "It just goes to show you that, in this country, a black man still can't catch a break."