Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Awkward for White People

You know when you say something and inadvertently, entirely unintentionally, sound completely prejudiced? It results in that horribly awkward feeling where you then must say things like "you know, I have lots of gay friends, so I mean...um...I said that in a joking way. You know, I was mocking the fact that there are people out there who are racist. You know, not me, but other people. Right? See?"

Here follows two painful minutes of that awkward feeling. How did this GOP representative actually think she could make a viable case up there?

Monday, December 22, 2008

The "New" Face of the Senate

Whoever said Pork-Barrel Spending isn't Hilarious?

Honestly, I've always respected Duffy as a journalist, but the likeness is uncanny and the wasted expense justifies the joke.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Watch Out: Canadian Political Humour Ahead

Dear Santa,

As a pluralism-endorsing, once-Harvard-professing, coalition-shunning, West Coast-olive-branch-offering, Toronto-centric, articulate, well-behaved, Senate-engineering, half-embarrassed-half-excited, baby-kissing, card-carrying, environment-loving (on paper), federal Liberal, I ask that you provide only the bare essentials this Christmas season. So I, Michael Ignatieff, ask for:

1) Harper’s sweater source (it had to be the sweaters, right?)

2) Last year back

3) Belinda Stronach, a life-like Peter MacKay mask and a greasy, symbolic bedroom floor to cross

3) Gerard Kennedy to find that damned time machine, go straight to 2006, and not fuck it up

4) Mike Harris to get a Senate seat (“Hey look, Ontario, it’s Mike Harris - Mike Harris with a Senate seat! Look! He’s really bad, remember him? Oh, wait, don’t bring up Bob Rae. Stop it. No comparison. Stop.”)

5) More recession + Jim Flaherty economic outlooks

6) Christie Blatchford to come out of the closet, find a supportive wife and stop slandering our defence policy simply because she’s “actually been” to Afghanistan

7) Julie Couillard to start dating Lawrence Cannon. Besides, Hedy Fry simply isn’t bringing the cleave

8) John Tory’s home phone number, just to call up and say “at least our former leader can get elected”

9) Barack Obama to say the following sentences in this exact order: “Michael Ignatieff is cool. He is even cooler than BlackBerrys, the internet and all celebrities combined. Young people should thus endorse Michael Ignatieff, because of said coolness.” Note: he must then smile

10) A single-use “I’m not a racist, I’m an academic” card, for use on my Ukrainian detractors

11) A picture of Danny Williams smoking a fatty with Hugo Chavez with their legs dangling over the edge of an expatriated dam

12) A one-way ticket out of this fucked up country

Bomb Bomb Bomb...Bomb Bomb Iran

Well, those lovable theocrats are back at it again! Indeed, Khomeini, Ahmadinejad and their forever equitable, Sharia-based judicial system are centre of the international stage. What pressing legal question are they addressing this time?

An 80-year-old Iranian spinster named Setareh recently requested a marriage license to wed her childhood boyfriend, Jamshid. Facing the sad prospect of dying alone in a nursing home, Setareh's dreams were answered when the elderly suitor came unexpectedly knocking. "Seeing Jamshid made my heart start beating faster and suddenly the passion of youth returned," she said.

Unfortunately, Iranian law requires that a bride-to-be's father approve the marriage certificate prior to wedlock. As Setareh's father abandoned her at the age of two, authorities must determine if and when Setareh's father died; also, they will see if he was in the military at any time upon leaving his family.

Given the lofty ages involved in the case, Iranian lawmakers are speculating on whether the father is, in fact, U.S. Senator John McCain. The presiding judge in the case, Mahmoud Baghal Shirvan - presumably referring to McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin - said "well he seems to want to bang devoutly religious chicks, even to this day." McCain's spokespeople have so far declined to comment on his having unprotected sex in Iran in 1928.

Thus, a ceremony that should be completed as easily as opening a grilled cheese sandwich here in Canada, is taking far more time in Iran. It simply illustrates that mixing religion, one-party democracy and a dysfunctional family can lead to a tight situation.

Could this explain why journalism is dead?

Sure, this video is a cheap laugh - but hell, we're in a recession! Watch as this seemingly professional journalist turns "ghetto".