Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Here follows two painful minutes of that awkward feeling. How did this GOP representative actually think she could make a viable case up there?
Monday, December 22, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
As a pluralism-endorsing, once-Harvard-professing, coalition-shunning, West Coast-olive-branch-offering, Toronto-centric, articulate, well-behaved, Senate-engineering, half-embarrassed-half-excited, baby-kissing, card-carrying, environment-loving (on paper), federal Liberal, I ask that you provide only the bare essentials this Christmas season. So I, Michael Ignatieff, ask for:
1) Harper’s sweater source (it had to be the sweaters, right?)
2) Last year back
3) Belinda Stronach, a life-like Peter MacKay mask and a greasy, symbolic bedroom floor to cross
3) Gerard Kennedy to find that damned time machine, go straight to 2006, and not fuck it up
4) Mike Harris to get a Senate seat (“Hey look, Ontario, it’s Mike Harris - Mike Harris with a Senate seat! Look! He’s really bad, remember him? Oh, wait, don’t bring up Bob Rae. Stop it. No comparison. Stop.”)
5) More recession + Jim Flaherty economic outlooks
6) Christie Blatchford to come out of the closet, find a supportive wife and stop slandering our defence policy simply because she’s “actually been” to Afghanistan
7) Julie Couillard to start dating Lawrence Cannon. Besides, Hedy Fry simply isn’t bringing the cleave
8) John Tory’s home phone number, just to call up and say “at least our former leader can get elected”
9) Barack Obama to say the following sentences in this exact order: “Michael Ignatieff is cool. He is even cooler than BlackBerrys, the internet and all celebrities combined. Young people should thus endorse Michael Ignatieff, because of said coolness.” Note: he must then smile
10) A single-use “I’m not a racist, I’m an academic” card, for use on my Ukrainian detractors
11) A picture of Danny Williams smoking a fatty with Hugo Chavez with their legs dangling over the edge of an expatriated dam
12) A one-way ticket out of this fucked up country
Well, those lovable theocrats are back at it again! Indeed, Khomeini, Ahmadinejad and their forever equitable, Sharia-based judicial system are centre of the international stage. What pressing legal question are they addressing this time?
An 80-year-old Iranian spinster named Setareh recently requested a marriage license to wed her childhood boyfriend, Jamshid. Facing the sad prospect of dying alone in a nursing home, Setareh's dreams were answered when the elderly suitor came unexpectedly knocking. "Seeing Jamshid made my heart start beating faster and suddenly the passion of youth returned," she said.
Unfortunately, Iranian law requires that a bride-to-be's father approve the marriage certificate prior to wedlock. As Setareh's father abandoned her at the age of two, authorities must determine if and when Setareh's father died; also, they will see if he was in the military at any time upon leaving his family.
Given the lofty ages involved in the case, Iranian lawmakers are speculating on whether the father is, in fact, U.S. Senator John McCain. The presiding judge in the case, Mahmoud Baghal Shirvan - presumably referring to McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin - said "well he seems to want to bang devoutly religious chicks, even to this day." McCain's spokespeople have so far declined to comment on his having unprotected sex in Iran in 1928.
Thus, a ceremony that should be completed as easily as opening a grilled cheese sandwich here in Canada, is taking far more time in Iran. It simply illustrates that mixing religion, one-party democracy and a dysfunctional family can lead to a tight situation.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
The moral of the story? Always keep an illegal prison camp in your back pocket in case you need to start some hardcore secessionist shit in Xinjiang province.
I'd watch out.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
The latest "celebrity" sex tape exploded onto the net after snippets of the video appeared on TMZ.com. TMZ claims to have receive the footage from sex tape dealer Kevin Blatt, who brokered the deal for Paris Hilton's "One Night In Paris" tape. Blatt is said to be in negotiation to distribute the film for a large sum of money.
Let the mini-me jokes begin...
UPDATE: This morning, Troyer launched a $20 million lawsuit against TMZ.com for invasion of privacy and breach of copyright.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Prior to his death, Baur informed his family that he wanted to be buried in one of his inventions. Since his other invention was a package of freeze-dried ice cream, his final resting place is a Pringles can in the Arlington Memorial Garden in Cincinnati, Ohio. The flavour is unknown.
If they lovingly packaged him up in a chip container, I can only imagine what he would have ended up in had his wife found out he had another family on the side.
Dr Bauer was a chemist and food storage technician at Proctor & Gamble and created his "proudest invention" in 1970.
With the death of a designer comes the end to a democratic nominee's primary bid...a strange omen, or mere coincidence? Your thoughts?
So, rest in peace to a fabulous artist, a beautiful mind and the personification of women's liberation. But alas, metaphorically speaking, it's time to move on....and drop the pant suit.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Dunkin' Donuts, obviously in the name of free speech and constitutionally-entrenched liberalism, has pulled an ad featuring celebrity chef Rachel Ray (pictured above). Apparently, her scarf looked too much like a kaffiyeh, the traditional Palestinian liberation symbol mass-popularized by the late Yassar Arafat. Such scarves are currently en vogue, their historical or political significance usually lost on the wearer.
Reasonably enough, by this logic, every hipster on the streets of London and New York are now also terrorists. According to authorities, the most dangerous of these crusaders is this man. He is allegedly working on behalf of a covert "outfit" based in Iran's most evil layer:
Monday, May 26, 2008
San-Zhr Pod Village is an abandoned hotel/housing pod development located in the north coast of Taiwan. Photographer Craig Ferguson ventured into the remote area earlier this year.
"Accounts vary on the origins of this complex, and indeed, as to whether it was meant to be a hotel development or a housing development. Apparently, it was constructed in the 1960s and included/was to include a dam to protect it against sea surges, floors and stairs made of marble and a small amusement park. The site was commissioned by the government and local firms and there is no named architect. Local papers at the time reported that there were numerous accidents during construction which caused the death of some workers. As news of these accidents spread, no one wanted to go there, even to visit, and the project was subsequently abandoned.The ghosts of those who died in vain are said to still linger there, unremembered and unable to pass on. The complex was left in its unfinished state because no amount of redevelopment will bring people to the area due to superstitions about ghosts, and it can’t be demolished because destroying the homes of spirits and lost souls is taboo in Asian culture."Check out the photo gallery.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
For those not familiar with the not-so-subtle joke here, the stall is in reference to Idaho Republican Senator Larry Craig, who was arrested at the Minneapolis airport months ago. He was allegedly attempting to solicit homosexual acts with an undercover federal agent by "foot-tapping, bumping feet and swiping his hand under the bathroom stall."
This just goes to show that old, right-wing, white men sheepishly asking for a man love in a public setting is not only hilarious, but is suitable comedic material for children, families and obese people.
Unfortunately, the Saints lost the game, 6-2
Monday, May 19, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
Sunday, May 11, 2008
So, given the release of his book it is predicted that the homophobic veneer of the rap game may soon be tarnished. While not mentioning actual names, Dean alludes to mainstream rap artists who, despite appearing hard in public, are actually equally hard in private (what a pun). The industry is in an uproar prior to its release...who on earth will come out next?
So here's some fun for you...who in the rap industry do you think is gay? Your choices:
Eminem (Public Relations stunts aren't always successful)
Lil Wayne (what the fuck?)
P Diddy (or whatever his current name is)
Kanye West (remember the uproar over the desperate housewives neighbours)
Let us know your thoughts. But really, after looking at these pictures are you actually surprised? Honestly.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Jenna's twin sister will be her maid of honor while her bridesmaids will consist of 14 of her closest friends, most likely southern sisters from her days as a slutty, boozy longhorn. On a related note, Time magazine named the presidential wedding as one of the easiest places to get laid in the world.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Maybe that black heart did have some sympathy to it after all. But, then again, remember the last time liberal bias and a "I am not a..." speech were the first line of defence...
Monday, May 5, 2008
½ Cup sour cream
½ Cup mayonnaise
1 Tbsp. Taco sauce
Red Food Colouring
1 pound cod, sole or white fish fillets
2 Tbsp. Olive oil
2 Tbsp. Lemon juice
2 Cups finely shredded red cabbage
Plus 2 whole cabbage leaves per taco
Taco ShellsRead more here (and check out their other recipes)
Sunday, May 4, 2008
The 100kg seal vanquished the 15kg penguin by laying on it. The penguin flapped its flippers in an attempt to escape but was unable to break free.
At first glance, the scientists originally thought the seal was killing the penguin but soon then realized the seal was just getting nasty.
The seal eventually gave up the effort after 45 minutes of thrusting. The scientists report the seal then jumped into the water (without leaving cab fare), completely ignoring the penguin it had just violated.
Read more at BBC
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Two billboards near Montgomery, Alabama have been creating quite a stir with what some community members see as inappropriate advertising. The ads, in an effort to bring tourists to the inspirational woman's birthplace of Shoals, proclaim "see, what she couldn't." This was in reference to Keller being born both blind and deaf.
It seems the merit of witty marketing was lost in the haze created by mixing a stiff hick cocktail of illiteracy, religious fervour and incest.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
This past weekend, the Coachella alternative music festival featured a spirited performance by British rock legends, Pink Floyd. During the song "Pigs on the Wing," a giant inflatable pig (pictured above) floated above the crowd, creating a memorable spectacle. Tethered to the ground by ropes, the pig featured a ballot box checked for Obama and the words "fear builds walls" and "don't be led to the slaughter." As well, a cartoon of Uncle Sam holding two meat cleavers sealed its stern political message.
Unfortunately, due to technical malfunctions, the two bus-length pig floated away and was lost. It was later recovered when found lying over two families' driveways, in nearby La Quinta. The families shared the $10,000 and four lifetime Coachella tickets offered for its return.
So here's what you have to work with:
Metaphor - Obama's rapidly deflating campaign
Conspiracy - Hillary got the Mexicans to sabotage the Pig
Current Events - Jeremiah Wright shot down the pig with fiery black liberation rhetoric
Current Events - The Inventor of LSD just died; in turn, so did the relevance of Pink Floyd
Racism - Something about the pig getting caught up on barbed wire or getting burnt by maquiladora smoke
Submit your best one liners this week...
This lower profile looks like it belongs to a person who wears a helmet year round, outside and in - and also plays with scissors whose blades are covered by plastic.
Full article available via the Telegraph.
Monday, April 28, 2008
After controversy began to stir, Cyrus immediately released the following statement:
"I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be 'artistic' and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed. "I never intended for any of this to happen and I apologize to my fans who I care so deeply about.”
Vanity Fair released their version of the story:
"Miley's parents and/or minders were on the set all day. Since the photo was taken digitally, they saw it on the shoot and everyone thought it was a beautiful and natural portrait of Miley. In fact, when [Vanity Fair writer] Bruce Handy interviewed Miley, he asked her about the photo and she was very cheerful about it and thought it was perfectly fine.”
And finally, Disney's point of view:
"Unfortunately, as the article suggests, a situation was created to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines."
Round 1: Disney 1, Vanity Fair 0
Friday, April 25, 2008
Lohan also uses her facebook page to address those pesky rumors concerning her sobriety, "Don't believe the hype. I'm taking my sobriety seriously, and day by day. It was 4:30am."
I'd facebook poke her, but I'm scared I'd catch something. Try for yourself.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Anyways, www.PornfortheBlind.org is a not-for-profit organization dedicated to "producing audio descriptions of sample movie clips from adult web sites."
So, how does it work? Volunteers watch an adult-themed clip and describe the events using only proper anatomical language. Ex- "she is licking the shaft of the penis... she is mostly focusing on the head of the penis."
You can even help out by recording descriptions of your favourite porn. The website suggests a list of sites and has an integrated voice recorder. Recommended sites include www.milfsoup.com, www.straightboysfucking.com, and my personal favourite www.bangbus.com.
This is the greatest idea a bunch of drunken frat boys have ever had. Joke or not, imagine all the people being helped out by this service. People, who much like yourself, enjoy busting the occasional nut, but have had to resort to the outdated practice of braille porno (see below).
Check it out.
Job: "Supermodel" and "ambassador of British youth culture," according to her wiki page.
Why shes "famous": One of the most sought after models of the moment. Also, a supposed style icon (which is why I maintain that Zoolander was less of a comedy - it also wasn't funny - and more of a documentary.)
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
A New York judge cleared two men of forgery and other charges Tuesday in relation to a cheque-cashing experiment gone wrong.
The men allegedly wheeled their dead friend, who had just died of Parkinson's, around NYC in an office chair. They were attempting to cash his $355 Social Security cheque. An on-duty detective noticed something was awry when pedestrians gathered around the corpse outside a bank. The case was ultimately thrown out because the time of death could not be determined.
What the article failed to mention was what happened after the cheque was cashed.
The men took the money, bought their dead friend an incognito, tropical outfit and headed South. They began living a life of luxury in their dead friend's summer home, using his boat and social network with reckless abandon. At social functions they would prop the lifeless corpse up, even putting a drink in the dead man's hand to give the impression that he was still living (and boozing!!!). Sometimes they would lift his hand up as if he were waving.
A big party was eventually thrown where hot chicks wore next to nothing. Everyone got laid and laughs lasted well into the 1993 sequel.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Former Baywatch star David Hasselhoff was admitted to a Los Angeles hospital today after stitching above his eye opened, leaving him gushing blood.
The original injury, one may speculate, dates back to a wallop he endured at the hands of a most sloppy whopper. Recall that stunning altercation, for no better reason than to feel good about yourself, below.
Friday, April 18, 2008
In fact, folks, it's Obama who draws the true likeness...
Aliza Shvarts (unfortunate last name) is a Yale University art student who recently revealed her senior art project -artificially inseminating herself with hipster sperm, then inducing miscarriages with abortion drugs.
Shortly after the pleasant news was revealed; Yale released the a statement calling the art project "creative fiction".
They said, “The entire project is an art piece, a creative fiction designed to draw attention to the ambiguity surrounding form and function of a woman’s body."
Shvarts claims Yale lied in the release, that her project exists and is not creative fiction.
Shvarts has yet to produce the art project, one can only assume its still drying. This sounds like a last minute option to me. We've all been there, the semester is quickly ending, and before you know it - your senior art project is due. What better way to complete an assignment without cramping your style? Now all those late night hook-ups/early morning regret won't be in vain.
Earlier today, a magnitude 5.2 earthquake shook Chicago, Cincinnati and surrounding Mid-West regions during the morning commute. The above video shows a news broadcast in the midst of the tremors.
It is still undetermined whether Iran or Al-Qaeda had any involvement in the quake.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Not everyone seems to be in on the joke - the New York Times reports that a Wall Street Journal representative frantically tried to hide the magazine from the public by buying up the early copies released in Los Angeles last week. The rep visited a local magazine shop and purchased every copy of the magazine with a corporate American Express card. The vendor immediately recognized the rep as an employee of the WSJ, who frequently hands out promotional SWAG (coin boxes, stickers, bags, etc.)
The satirical magazine features a full-page spread of a topless Ann Coulter, a gossip page called "Page Sex", an "Obitcharies" section, and tons of headlines. The last edition of the magazine was released in 1982, entitled Off the Wall Street Journal.
Check out the site.
U.S. House Representative Barney Frank (D-Mass.) recently said the candidate who trails in the primary delegate race should bow out by June 3. 'Probably sooner,' he told The Associated Press in an interview.
Lonely Planet is defending itself against claims made by a former writer that large portions of text had been fabricated.
In a new book, Thomas Kohnstamm reveals that he lifted information from travel guides and accepted gifts (against Lonely Planet policy) in exchange for positive reviews of tourist attractions. Kohnstamm worked on dozens of guides including Brazil, Columbia, Venezuela, Chile and the Caribbean.
In the case of Columbia, Kohnstamm claims he never even visited the country. Instead, he wrote everything from the comfort of his apartment in San Francisco and received all his information from a woman he was dating - an intern at the Columbian Consulate. Kohnstamm argues that the Lonely Planet never gave him enough money to visit the country. Eventually, the starving writer turned to selling drugs in order to subsidize his poor pay.
The Lonely Planet claims otherwise; "Kohnstamm was commissioned to write the introduction to the Columbia book - not to review it.
"When he was commissioned it was understood that he wouldn't be going to the destination. He claimed he wasn't paid enough to travel, but he was only employed as an office based researcher. He was never expected to go out there."
The Lonely Planet is currently reviewing all of Kohnstamm's guides for accuracy.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Someone obviously has a sense of humor. Read the description below.
WHAT A RARE FIND!
You could be the proud bidder and winner of this unique whole grain chip! Named after its likeness, the Vajayjay Sun Chip was found by the seller during a snack session on the couch after her long, hard day at work one March evening. The seller took one look at said chip and knew that its fate lie not in her digestive system like the rest of the bag of Harvest Cheddar goodness, but adorning the wall of some proud American who could someday look up to Vajayjay and say, "I knew I'd find you one day, my love!"
Thanks to the wonderful ways of Ebay, I'd like to bring this chip to your doorstep, that you may be united at last.
To properly honor, protect and display Vajayjay Sun Chip, I have mounted, matted and framed her in a shadow box where she can be adored from multiple angles, for many years to come. No additives or sprays have been used, but some heavy duty glue does keep her affixed to the paper behind her. The box has hanging apparatus on the back for your convenience. You can start pounding the nail in your wall right after you bid! Also on the back, you'll find a label stating "Vajayjay Sun Chip, (Harvest Cheddar), Discovered 3/08 by JHaven."
Give Vajayjay a nice home. Happy bidding!
First, what a beautiful system…
I love Adriana Huffington…
Clearly, I meant Arianna. We’ve all made mistakes - we're only human, right? It’s not like I confused Tibet and Nepal. Gee, wouldn't that be embarrassing?
Via Huffington Post.
And finally, a byline that is simply too good to not plagiarize…
From the Daily Mail
“Angela Merkel shows she's keeping abreast of foreign affairs.”
Hot off the trails of the Chinese Government unblocking access to www.CBC.ca, an interesting thing has occurred.
On Sunday, there was a pro-Beijing demonstration on Parliament Hill in Ottawa, where over 6,000 people gathered to support the Olympics. The Ottawa Citizen covered it extensively. As did the Star. But the CBC website? Nothing on the main page. The only search item that popped up in the archives was a year-old piece by Rex Murphy.
Could this perhaps be a China-neutral strategy being played by our public broadcaster? In turn, next we won't hear anything about lead toys, tainted dog food and civilian beatings. Gotta love the CBC at tax time…
Thursday, April 10, 2008
If you haven’t been living under a rock recently, you’ve heard about the whole “Olympic Torch fiasco.”
There was a time when hosting the torch relay was an honour, a source of civic pride.
Not in San Francisco.
Things started poorly last week when Supervisor Chris Daly introduced a resolution critical of China. He openly encouraged citizens to be on the streets and to show disdain for the Chinese government during the torch relay. Politicians in other cities likely would have discouraged their citizens from protesting, but not in San Fran. No sir - protesting and rallies are the city’s backbone.
Despite the calls for politicians to disrupt the relay, it was the politicians who duped the protesters. They changed the route! See, it’s all a big joke to them. Get the protesters all riled up, tell them where they should be and then BOOM! Trick them! Brilliant I say, simply brilliant!
A New Jersey teen was charged with making terrorist threats yesterday after his high school teacher found a hit list written on a piece of loose leaf paper. The list featured the names of 3 students, a school staff member, and actor Chuck Norris.
The teacher turned the sheet over to authorities immediately, and the high school kid was charged but not jailed. Authorities are still unsure if the student intended to murder those named on the list.
Chuck Norris couldn't be reach for a comment - which is pretty surprising, considering his days are likely filled with tearful memories of a more fruitful career.
Norris is better known for his lead role on the hit(?) show Walker, Texas Ranger, and the author of all those ridiculous Chuck Norris facts.
Chuck Norris would appear on a high school student's hit list - hell, he'd go to the opening of an envelope. Thats likely why he came out in support of Huckabee; he needed the fresh air.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Maybe those glasses allow him to see an alternate reality. I mean, just look at that reflection - perhaps he sees what he actually wants to see with the shades on.
Iraq a success, Haliburton stocks soaring and naked chicks!!