Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Miley Cyruxxx: Round 2

In case you were wondering, these photos were not taken by Annie Leibovitz. They're self-portraits appearing on the 15-year-olds' MySpace page.

Looks like its a preexisting condition.

Round 2: Disney 1, Vanity Fair 1

Insert Joke Here:


This past weekend, the Coachella alternative music festival featured a spirited performance by British rock legends, Pink Floyd. During the song "Pigs on the Wing," a giant inflatable pig (pictured above) floated above the crowd, creating a memorable spectacle. Tethered to the ground by ropes, the pig featured a ballot box checked for Obama and the words "fear builds walls" and "don't be led to the slaughter." As well, a cartoon of Uncle Sam holding two meat cleavers sealed its stern political message.

Unfortunately, due to technical malfunctions, the two bus-length pig floated away and was lost. It was later recovered when found lying over two families' driveways, in nearby La Quinta. The families shared the $10,000 and four lifetime Coachella tickets offered for its return.

So here's what you have to work with:

Metaphor - Obama's rapidly deflating campaign
Conspiracy - Hillary got the Mexicans to sabotage the Pig
Current Events - Jeremiah Wright shot down the pig with fiery black liberation rhetoric
Current Events - The Inventor of LSD just died; in turn, so did the relevance of Pink Floyd
Racism - Something about the pig getting caught up on barbed wire or getting burnt by maquiladora smoke

Submit your best one liners this week...

Wigger + Scenester = the ugliest pants ever created

Baggy, ass-bearing pants or tight, junk-showcasing jeans? Now you don't have to choose thanks to Soulful Commandoe, the creator of this hot mess.

This lower profile looks like it belongs to a person who wears a helmet year round, outside and in - and also plays with scissors whose blades are covered by plastic.

Obituary: Albert Hofmann - Inventor, Pioneer

"Albert Hofmann, who died on Tuesday aged 102, synthesized lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD) in 1938 and became the first person in the world to experience a full-blown acid trip...Hofmann was disappointed when his discovery was removed from commercial distribution. He remained convinced that the drug had the potential to counter the psychological problems induced by 'materialism, alienation from nature through industrialisation and increasing urbanisation, lack of satisfaction in professional employment in a mechanised, lifeless working world, ennui and purposelessness in wealthy, saturated society, and lack of a religious, nurturing, and meaningful philosophical foundation of life.'"

Full article available via the Telegraph.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Achy Breaky Art: Disney VS Vanity Fair

Disney's golden ticket is in the news after taking risqué photographs for the upcoming issue of Vanity Fair. The photos were taken by Annie Leibovitz on a digital camera so that Miley's handlers could view every photo. Cyrus appears topless in the photos, with tousled hair and covering herself with a white bed sheet.

After controversy began to stir, Cyrus immediately released the following statement:

"I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be 'artistic' and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed. "I never intended for any of this to happen and I apologize to my fans who I care so deeply about.”

Vanity Fair released their version of the story:
"Miley's parents and/or minders were on the set all day. Since the photo was taken digitally, they saw it on the shoot and everyone thought it was a beautiful and natural portrait of Miley. In fact, when [Vanity Fair writer] Bruce Handy interviewed Miley, he asked her about the photo and she was very cheerful about it and thought it was perfectly fine.”

And finally, Disney's point of view:
"Unfortunately, as the article suggests, a situation was created to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines."

Round 1: Disney 1, Vanity Fair 0

More Transit-Related Fun

Hey, it may not be comfortable, but at least they're not all out on the roads driving...

Time Lapsed Photos

From the Huffington Post, here we see projections of what the three U.S. presidential candidates will look like in four years time. In Hillary Clinton's case, the results are particularly disconcerting.

A Return to Blogging After a Brief Hiatus...


Want to make 100 grand a year? Jump on the trian train...

Friday, April 25, 2008

Facebook'd: Lindsay Lohan

Someone found Lindsay Lohan's facebook profile and posted it for the world to see. She goes by the name Lindsay Ronson, taking the last name of her supposed girlfriend DJ Samantha Ronson. She's also friends with several LA douchebag hipsters, including Lauren "LC" Conrad, Corey Kennedy and former Marc Jacobs fiance/prostitute Jason Preston.

Lohan also uses her facebook page to address those pesky rumors concerning her sobriety, "Don't believe the hype. I'm taking my sobriety seriously, and day by day. It was 4:30am."

I'd facebook poke her, but I'm scared I'd catch something. Try for yourself.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Al Rocker Would Be Jealous


The Midwest sure is hiding something special under that rust belt...

Porn for the Blind - my new weekend plans

I still can't figure out if this is a joke or not. I wouldn't be surprised either way.

Anyways, www.PornfortheBlind.org is a not-for-profit organization dedicated to "producing audio descriptions of sample movie clips from adult web sites."

So, how does it work? Volunteers watch an adult-themed clip and describe the events using only proper anatomical language. Ex- "she is licking the shaft of the penis... she is mostly focusing on the head of the penis."

You can even help out by recording descriptions of your favourite porn. The website suggests a list of sites and has an integrated voice recorder. Recommended sites include www.milfsoup.com, www.straightboysfucking.com, and my personal favourite www.bangbus.com.

This is the greatest idea a bunch of drunken frat boys have ever had. Joke or not, imagine all the people being helped out by this service. People, who much like yourself, enjoy busting the occasional nut, but have had to resort to the outdated practice of braille porno (see below).


Check it out.

"Famous" people you should know: Agyness Deyn

Who: Agyness Deyn, born Laura Hollins

Age: 25

Job: "Supermodel" and "ambassador of British youth culture," according to her wiki page.


Why shes "famous": One of the most sought after models of the moment. Also, a supposed style icon (which is why I maintain that Zoolander was less of a comedy - it also wasn't funny - and more of a documentary.)

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Bernie may be dead, but he's still the life of the party!


A New York judge cleared two men of forgery and other charges Tuesday in relation to a cheque-cashing experiment gone wrong.

The men allegedly wheeled their dead friend, who had just died of Parkinson's, around NYC in an office chair. They were attempting to cash his $355 Social Security cheque. An on-duty detective noticed something was awry when pedestrians gathered around the corpse outside a bank. The case was ultimately thrown out because the time of death could not be determined.

What the article failed to mention was what happened after the cheque was cashed.

The men took the money, bought their dead friend an incognito, tropical outfit and headed South. They began living a life of luxury in their dead friend's summer home, using his boat and social network with reckless abandon. At social functions they would prop the lifeless corpse up, even putting a drink in the dead man's hand to give the impression that he was still living (and boozing!!!). Sometimes they would lift his hand up as if he were waving.

A big party was eventually thrown where hot chicks wore next to nothing. Everyone got laid and laughs lasted well into the 1993 sequel.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

David Hasselhoff vs. Hamburger...the Saga Continues


Former Baywatch star David Hasselhoff was admitted to a Los Angeles hospital today after stitching above his eye opened, leaving him gushing blood.

The original injury, one may speculate, dates back to a wallop he endured at the hands of a most sloppy whopper. Recall that stunning altercation, for no better reason than to feel good about yourself, below.

Friday, April 18, 2008

The Rocky Comparison Gets Flipped...

Remember when Hillary compared herself to Rocky while campaigning in Philly? Despite the hilarious contradiction regarding Rocky's loss in the first film and Sly Stallone's embarrassing, drug-ridden decline...this is much better (and visually stunning).

In fact, folks, it's Obama who draws the true likeness...

Just Kidding!

*Warning: This is story is both crazy and disgusting*

Aliza Shvarts (unfortunate last name) is a Yale University art student who recently revealed her senior art project -artificially inseminating herself with hipster sperm, then inducing miscarriages with abortion drugs.

Shortly after the pleasant news was revealed; Yale released the a statement calling the art project "creative fiction".

They said, “The entire project is an art piece, a creative fiction designed to draw attention to the ambiguity surrounding form and function of a woman’s body."

Shvarts claims Yale lied in the release, that her project exists and is not creative fiction.

Shvarts has yet to produce the art project, one can only assume its still drying. This sounds like a last minute option to me. We've all been there, the semester is quickly ending, and before you know it - your senior art project is due. What better way to complete an assignment without cramping your style? Now all those late night hook-ups/early morning regret won't be in vain.

Extremist Quake Rocks American Mid-West


Earlier today, a magnitude 5.2 earthquake shook Chicago, Cincinnati and surrounding Mid-West regions during the morning commute. The above video shows a news broadcast in the midst of the tremors.
It is still undetermined whether Iran or Al-Qaeda had any involvement in the quake.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Get a Mothafuckin' Education Bitches!


Hittin' record stores soon!

Something for the Zoophiliacs

My Wall Street Journal is a parody magazine of the Wall Street Journal written by Terry Jones, Toney Hendra, writers from the Onion, SNL and the Daily Show (among others).

Not everyone seems to be in on the joke - the New York Times reports that a Wall Street Journal representative frantically tried to hide the magazine from the public by buying up the early copies released in Los Angeles last week. The rep visited a local magazine shop and purchased every copy of the magazine with a corporate American Express card. The vendor immediately recognized the rep as an employee of the WSJ, who frequently hands out promotional SWAG (coin boxes, stickers, bags, etc.)

The satirical magazine features a full-page spread of a topless Ann Coulter, a gossip page called "Page Sex", an "Obitcharies" section, and tons of headlines. The last edition of the magazine was released in 1982, entitled Off the Wall Street Journal.

Check out the site.

No one says it like Bill Maher

Bill Maher's "New Rule" segment on his show, Real Time with Bill Maher, recently discussed the Pope's visit to the US.

Notice his guests' nervous laughter.

Nobody cares what Montana and South Dakota think anyway…and Puerto Rico for that matter.


U.S. House Representative Barney Frank (D-Mass.) recently said the candidate who trails in the primary delegate race should bow out by June 3. 'Probably sooner,' he told The Associated Press in an interview.

John Stewart is a Genious

Lonely Planet writer fabricates guidebook


Lonely Planet is defending itself against claims made by a former writer that large portions of text had been fabricated.

In a new book, Thomas Kohnstamm reveals that he lifted information from travel guides and accepted gifts (against Lonely Planet policy) in exchange for positive reviews of tourist attractions. Kohnstamm worked on dozens of guides including Brazil, Columbia, Venezuela, Chile and the Caribbean.

In the case of Columbia, Kohnstamm claims he never even visited the country. Instead, he wrote everything from the comfort of his apartment in San Francisco and received all his information from a woman he was dating - an intern at the Columbian Consulate. Kohnstamm argues that the Lonely Planet never gave him enough money to visit the country. Eventually, the starving writer turned to selling drugs in order to subsidize his poor pay.

The Lonely Planet claims otherwise; "Kohnstamm was commissioned to write the introduction to the Columbia book - not to review it.

"When he was commissioned it was understood that he wouldn't be going to the destination. He claimed he wasn't paid enough to travel, but he was only employed as an office based researcher. He was never expected to go out there."

The Lonely Planet is currently reviewing all of Kohnstamm's guides for accuracy.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Ebay Buy of the Week!

Act now and you could be the lucky winner of a Harvest Cheddar flavoured Sun Chip shaped like a vagina!

Someone obviously has a sense of humor. Read the description below.

WHAT A RARE FIND!

You could be the proud bidder and winner of this unique whole grain chip! Named after its likeness, the Vajayjay Sun Chip was found by the seller during a snack session on the couch after her long, hard day at work one March evening. The seller took one look at said chip and knew that its fate lie not in her digestive system like the rest of the bag of Harvest Cheddar goodness, but adorning the wall of some proud American who could someday look up to Vajayjay and say, "I knew I'd find you one day, my love!"

Thanks to the wonderful ways of Ebay, I'd like to bring this chip to your doorstep, that you may be united at last.

To properly honor, protect and display Vajayjay Sun Chip, I have mounted, matted and framed her in a shadow box where she can be adored from multiple angles, for many years to come. No additives or sprays have been used, but some heavy duty glue does keep her affixed to the paper behind her. The box has hanging apparatus on the back for your convenience. You can start pounding the nail in your wall right after you bid! Also on the back, you'll find a label stating "Vajayjay Sun Chip, (Harvest Cheddar), Discovered 3/08 by JHaven."

Give Vajayjay a nice home. Happy bidding!

**Please Note: This chip is inedible and is intended for display purposes only. It's art!

What liberal bias?

For Ryan

It's a Busy Time of Year...

So here's a collection of funnies from recent days:

First, what a beautiful system…


I love Adriana Huffington…


Clearly, I meant Arianna. We’ve all made mistakes - we're only human, right? It’s not like I confused Tibet and Nepal. Gee, wouldn't that be embarrassing?
Via Huffington Post.

And finally, a byline that is simply too good to not plagiarize…

From the Daily Mail
“Angela Merkel shows she's keeping abreast of foreign affairs.”

Hmmmm...Interesting


Hot off the trails of the Chinese Government unblocking access to www.CBC.ca, an interesting thing has occurred.

On Sunday, there was a pro-Beijing demonstration on Parliament Hill in Ottawa, where over 6,000 people gathered to support the Olympics. The Ottawa Citizen covered it extensively. As did the Star. But the CBC website? Nothing on the main page. The only search item that popped up in the archives was a year-old piece by Rex Murphy.

Could this perhaps be a China-neutral strategy being played by our public broadcaster? In turn, next we won't hear anything about lead toys, tainted dog food and civilian beatings. Gotta love the CBC at tax time…

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Who Could Have Foreseen This?


If you haven’t been living under a rock recently, you’ve heard about the whole “Olympic Torch fiasco.”

There was a time when hosting the torch relay was an honour, a source of civic pride.

Not in San Francisco.

Things started poorly last week when Supervisor Chris Daly introduced a resolution critical of China. He openly encouraged citizens to be on the streets and to show disdain for the Chinese government during the torch relay. Politicians in other cities likely would have discouraged their citizens from protesting, but not in San Fran. No sir - protesting and rallies are the city’s backbone.

Despite the calls for politicians to disrupt the relay, it was the politicians who duped the protesters. They changed the route! See, it’s all a big joke to them. Get the protesters all riled up, tell them where they should be and then BOOM! Trick them! Brilliant I say, simply brilliant!

Chuck Norris appears on student's "Hit List" - Best thing to happen to his carreer in years


A New Jersey teen was charged with making terrorist threats yesterday after his high school teacher found a hit list written on a piece of loose leaf paper. The list featured the names of 3 students, a school staff member, and actor Chuck Norris.

The teacher turned the sheet over to authorities immediately, and the high school kid was charged but not jailed. Authorities are still unsure if the student intended to murder those named on the list.

Chuck Norris couldn't be reach for a comment - which is pretty surprising, considering his days are likely filled with tearful memories of a more fruitful career.

Norris is better known for his lead role on the hit(?) show Walker, Texas Ranger, and the author of all those ridiculous Chuck Norris facts.

Chuck Norris would appear on a high school student's hit list - hell, he'd go to the opening of an envelope. Thats likely why he came out in support of Huckabee; he needed the fresh air.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Mel Gibson's Close Enough to God, Right?


After the Passion of the Christ and Apocalypto I think India should see the light...

Suddenly Dick Cheney Seems Way Cooler...


Maybe those glasses allow him to see an alternate reality. I mean, just look at that reflection - perhaps he sees what he actually wants to see with the shades on.

Iraq a success, Haliburton stocks soaring and naked chicks!!

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

McCain to Wife: See you next tuesday!

Although it is well-known around Washington that Senator John McCain has a nasty temper, a new tell-all book written by Cliff Schecter reveals just how nasty he can be. The Real McCain recalls a moment when the Arizona Senator called his wife a cunt in front of others:
Three reporters from Arizona, on the condition of anonymity, also let me in on another incident involving McCain's intemperateness. In his 1992 Senate bid, McCain was joined on the campaign trail by his wife, Cindy, as well as campaign aide Doug Cole and consultant Wes Gullett. At one point, Cindy playfully twirled McCain's hair and said, "You're getting a little thin up there." McCain's face reddened, and he responded, "At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt." McCain's excuse was that it had been a long day. If elected president of the United States, McCain would have many long days.

If that was his reaction over thinning hair, Cindy should keep her mouth shut about all those missing orgasms.

Mommy PLEASE Vote for a Black President! I REALLY Want It!

Apparently, one of the most influential factors for Democratic Super Delegates these days is who their kids like. According to the New York Times, Senator Bob Casey of Pennsylvania, Gov. James E. Doyle of Wisconsin, Senator Claire McCaskill of Missouri, Gov. Kathleen Sebelius of Kansas and Senator Amy Klobuchar of Minnesota are all supporting Barack Obama in part because of the “persuasive power of their own children.”

My guess is these kids are sending the pro-Obama message to their parents by way of texting. Courtesy of YrMomma4Obama:

“Mama/Papa are you for Obama? I'm voting 4 him in the PA primary on Apr 22 and I want you to, too. I think he's what's best for my future, and for yours! Gobama!”

Or

“Papa/ Mamá eres para Obama? Yo soy para el y quiero que seas también. Creo que es lo mejor para mi futuro y el tuyo. Por favor vote para Obama el 22 de Abril.”

Or

“2 young 2 vote? Get yr parents to vote for Obama on Apr 22. Pass this on to everyone u know and tell your parents! Gobama!”

Wow. Since when was P Diddy a pedophile?

In Preparation for his Iraq Update Testimony Today...


Courtesy of Deadspin, above we see General Petraeus, top Coalition Commander for Iraq War operations, - otherwise known in the ‘liberal’ media as General Be-Tray-Us - playing Nintendo Wii Golf. They say that a 75-yard pitch into a prevailing wind, over water, with over one million Iraqi deaths on the back of your mind is the hardest shot in golf.

A fore-star general indeed.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Who Hates Visible Minorities the Most?


Post your thoughts. Strikingly similar in appearance AND dogma?

Run for the Border...Drunk

Forever the clever marketer, Absolut Vodka has recently run into hot water over an advert it briefly ran in Mexico.

The controversial poster, shown below, depicts North America prior to the Mexican-American war of 1848. At that time Mexico held the territories constituting present-day Texas, California and other South-Western states.

Certain right-wing groups in the United States have called for an immediate boycott of the popular vodka brand. Citing ongoing illegal immigration issues, they claim now is not the time for border security to be taken lightly. Conversely, other U.S. citizens have embraced the ad, saying Mexico legally claims rights to the land in the first place.

Meanwhile, the vast majority of people in the debate's middle ground are merely left to reflect. Contemplating what it would be like if the ads were perhaps foreshadowing the future, a sobering realization emerged:

Absolut World = Every Californian fast food restaurant imploding, followed by an earthquake of Hollywood patio collapses.

Keep drinking. Cheers.

Rojo Caliente - This is the Funniest Thing I Have Ever Seen


This girl is apparently in 1st year at Queen's University, my Alma Mater. Her father, rumour has it, spent approximately $1 million to pay for this Latin American dance video. The subject matter of the song? Her "red hair." Yes, it is awful, yet hilarious.

Go Queen's! Keep it humble, as always.

Here is an affiliated page, also very funny. This is the actual video.

She apparently has a facebook fan site too, which you simply need to check out on your own time - it's too much for words.

The Anti-Smoking Lobby Makes its Move...


Earlier today, the Associate Press reported that the Olympic torch had been extinguished before being ushered onto a bus. The incident occurred during massive pro-Tibet protests in Paris, France.

What an image! The Olympic torch, symbol of strength and valour, just kicking back and lighting up on a bus. And to think some people say the Olympics have become too American. All they need on there is some Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Wrestling With Dual Monarchies


The irony here is that we have a former governor, ex-wrestler and political pundit being interviewed on the backwardness of U.S. politics.

And it's all the same guy.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Richard Gere for Liberal Leader!


Last month, the Liberals nearly lost a stronghold riding in a Vancouver area by-election. Joyce Murray squeaked out a win by under 1000 votes, compared to a margin of victory over 12 times that in 2006. The Conservative party, evidently, is gaining ground in the Lower Mainland. Party officials are growing concerned.

The Solution? Employ Richard Gere to moonlight at public appearances for Stephane Dion.

Given their similar physical appearances and Gere's in-depth understanding of the East Indian community and its culture, it's a sure-fire bet. Think about it: the party will finally combine good looks, discernible English and an animal-friendly (pro-gerbil) platform. This will obviously appeal to a vast majority of voters in the event of a Federal election. A Liberal Canada-wide resurgance is certainly on the horizon....Here's what we can expect if they follow our suggestion.

Look at "Stephane" charm that crowd!!! A Trudeau in the making?

Romney Doesn't Take Losing Well...


After bowing out of the Republican primaries, Mitt Romney goes Waco despite the growing potential for a Vice-Presidential bid.

May as well make the joke now before something bad happens, right?

Saturday, April 5, 2008

The Art of Photoshop

Worth 1000's latest contest: create vintage-styled ads for modern-day products. Check out the finalists.

Finally, a time machine that works!

The New Kids on the Block announced their reunion tour on the Today Show yesterday.

For those of you unfamiliar with their work, the NKOTB rose to fame back in the late 80s/ early 90s - when looks didn't matter in the music industry.


Blame Canada…Er France…Er Both?


According to this ad, if it weren’t for Canada, the whole “Dance, Dance, Revolution” craze would never have swept Asia. It turn, North America's infection would've also been prevented.

Of course, Areva is 90% owned by the French state. That’s so French of them, blaming someone else for the world’s problems...cowards.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Sweet, now I can really pretend to be Dudley Do-Right…

Luckily it is still illegal to buy a taser in Canada. At the same time - in their own PSA sort-of way - the Toronto Sun tells us that there are “a shocking number of websites that will tell you how to make one.”

A student from Flesherton, just North of Toronto, used such a website to supe-up a backyard bug zapper, effectively making it an “electro-shock device.” Ever the entrepreneur, the student subsequently sold the home-made stun gun to another lad for $20. The authorities then became involved, albeit briefly, when a teacher saw the contraption in the hall and confiscated it. We say "law enforcement" was involved briefly because, in accordance with the Youth Criminal Justice Act, discipline of the students was put in the hands of the school. What a legacy, Martin.

Personally, I had never thought about turning a bug zapper into a taser. Now, after reading this, thankfully I know where to find out how. Maybe it's time to join the RCMP and start a landed immigrant welcoming committee (too soon?).

P.S. Writing this post just made me think about the RCMP for a quick second. The idea of quickly joining our National force isn't that far fetched - there are currently posters on the subway advertising career opportunities with the Mounties. Imagine that were the case with the FBI. Impossible. Just think about that folks, the subway. Goodnight.

It's What Grandpa Would Have Wanted, Son

A memorial service, a somber time. An opportunity to celebrate a loved one’s life. Recant warm memories. Poetry readings. Sing the deceased's favourite songs. Then show pornographic images - and groping, superfluous amounts of groping.

Wait, WHAT!?! Back that logical train up two stops.

Seriously, that’s what apparently happens in Colorado.

Upon entering the apartment, Marlos Hernandez, 31, went first to the kitchen and put his arm around the deceased woman's teenage sister "as if to comfort her.” But the woman told officers it made her uncomfortable…Then he reached down and grabbed one of her breasts.

Groping teenagers. You stay classy Colorado.

Hernandez then went near a display of pictures and memories of the deceased and pulled out a cell phone. The mother thought he was going to take a picture of the shrine with his cell phone, but he showed the mother a pornographic picture instead.

Though Bill O’Reilly was not asked for a comment, one can only imagine it would have sounded something akin to this.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Hold My Hand for the Sax Solo Hunny...


Yesterday, Bill Clinton was out hard on the hustings, speaking to eager Indiana University students on the virtues of his wife's presidential campaign. Prior to his appearance, long lines had formed in hopes of hearing the Democratic icon speak.

Never to be outdone, this is when the Obama campaign made their decisive move...

Staffers quickly announced that they would be giving away free tickets to Sunday's local Dave Matthews concert. Given the popularity of the 90's alt-rock band, Obama's Bloomington headquarters were immediately inundated with requests. The ensuing lineups pulled many students from the Clinton cue, leaving Bill's draw diminished.

Now, here's a recommendation, a remedy the Clinton campaign should have employed if they were nimble and understanding of their audience. Simply open the war chest and spend the necessary amount to reconvene Hootie and the Blowfish. From there, all they would need is some bad weed, beer bongs and faded khakis to get those turncoats back on-side.

Instead, next month at the polls, lovesick couples will look longingly into each other's eyes, vowing to disregard the "dreams of our fathers" and vote for a hip black man.

Dirty Rotten Thief


From London's Daily Mail:

“A two-year-old girl was branded a thief by Woolworths staff after she helped herself to a pic 'n' mix sweet during a shopping trip. Isra Khan was with her mother Aishah, 23, when she grabbed the 20p false tooth-shaped sweet from a shelf and popped it into her mouth. But within moments a member of staff at the store in Blackburn, Lancashire had stormed over to Mrs Khan and, in front of stunned customers, said: 'That's theft.'”

Finally I say! It’s time to call a spade a spade, to let egalitarianism reign supreme. Whether it be a 2-year old or a gun-wielding terrorist, a criminal should be labeled as such, regardless of age. Besides, if a toddler can legally get married in Arkansas, why can’t they be publicly vilified as a thief too?

Tommy Douglas Would Be Upset

From the land of universal health care, wheat fields and endless boredom comes this rip-roarin' Saskatchewan Party fun. Conservative MP Tom Lukiwski, seen here at a party, spikes the punch with his charismatic brand of xenophobia. Current Premier Brad Wall, also in attendance, takes a few jabs at the Ukrainian community, particularly at then-outgoing Premier Roy Romanow. Here follows the resurfaced film:

However, can anyone blame the guy for his ignorance, given that this was Saskatoon, circa 1992? The real question, though: are YOU an A or a B??

The New Judas?


First, rapper 50 Cent was all like, yo, I’m not endorsing a candidate, “but I like Hillary. I think she was already out President once.”

Now, he’s like “I heard Obama speak. He hit me with that he-just-got-done-watching-'Malcolm X,' and I swear to God, I'm like, 'Yo, Obama! I'm Obama to the end now, baby!”

Then he admits, “I haven't been following (the Democratic race) anymore. I lost my interest. I listened to some of the debates and things that they were saying, and I just got lost in everything that was going on…Don't look for my vote, for me to determine nothing on that. Just say, '50 Cent, he don't know, so don't ask Fiddy.”

Luckily, 50 makes everything nice and clear at the end of his flip-flopping. “I just think there's people that might not be ready for an African-American president.”

So, to recap: first he refused to endorse, but admitted to liking Hillary. Then he likes Obama, but doesn’t know anything. So, really, what’s it worth? Finally, he says the US isn’t ready for a black President.

Why isn’t Jim Carville calling Fiddy, Judas? Oh yea, cause he might get capped. Better than DMX though, right...

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

So the Ontario Ministry of Finance is Officially...


…hip and multicultural?!

In our continuing quest to gather health care expenditure information, the Finance Department's 2008 budget website proved incredibly fruitful. And to boot, boy was it ever ethnically diverse!!! At the bottom of the page (pictured above), it is revealed to the keen observer that financial information is available in 16 different languages. Plus, one can even notify friends about the Ontario budget's most minute details via Facebook, Digg.com or del.icio.us.com. Alternatively, the biggest immigrant keeners can sign up for budget updates for their RSS and Newsvine feeds.

In unrelated news, the budget highlights $15 million spent on “Miscellaneous Budget 2008 Technical Expenses - Department of Finance.” Outsourcing trendiness sure is a bitch. Mmmmmm bye (bad joke).

It'd Be Funnier if it Were a Refinery


The City of San Francisco is looking to rename the Oceanside Wastewater Treatment Facility the “George W Bush Sewage Plant.”

From holding doors to carrying children: chivalry is the new Black

Working women of the world, rejoice!

Men of the world - get ready to answer the age old question of :"What hurts the most - a kick to the balls or chilbirth?"

Thomas Beatie is a transgender male who is also 22 weeks pregnant. Although he is lucky enough to keep his vagina, he is legally considered male. In a recent interview with The Advocate, Beatie revealed how he faces discrimination on the regular.

"Doctors have discriminated against us, turning us away due to their religious beliefs. Health care professionals have refused to call me by a male pronoun or recognize Nancy as my wife. Receptionists have laughed at us. Friends and family have been unsupportive; most of Nancy’s family doesn’t even know I’m transgender."

Nancy, Beatie's wife, is unable to carry children after undergoing a hysterectomy due to endometriosis. The couple is expecting a baby girl in early July.

A first person account of the incredible story is available at The Advocate.

Kids these days...


A group of nine children in Georgia have been sent to bed without dinner after a plot to attack their third-grade teacher was uncovered by local authorities. The children plotted to knock their teacher unconscious with a paper weight (likely fabricated during art class) and called for the use of a broken steak knife, handcuffs and duct tape. The children went so far as to delegate roles; including standing watch, covering windows and doors, and cleaning-up any subsequent mess.

The children plotted the attack after their teacher scolded one student for standing on a chair.

The news broke just a week after a 13-year-old girl was busted by the cops for running a prostitution ring in Dallas, Texas. The middle-school madame was allegedly bringing classmates to a local club to dance and prostitute for the male clientèle.

In related news, Nickelodeon announced its plan to relaunch a child-friendly spin off of HBO's award-winning series OZ, after critics accused the network of losing touch with its key demographic.

Someone Think of the Children


A Federal judge has ruled that a Virginian law that bans alcohol advertising in college newspapers violates free speech.
The reasoning behind the decision is that commercial speech is protected by the First Amendment because it doesn't promote anything illegal and isn't misleading. It should further be noted that more than half of the newspapers’ readers are 21 or older.

But, this isn’t just about free speech - it’s also about equality. Why should college students in Virginia be any different than students in other states? Without the temptation of difficult life decisions, such as Pabst Blue Ribbon vs. Yankee Jim Ice vs. studying high-school level material, Virginians are substantially missing out.

So open those floodgates! Watch GPAs steadily decline! Finally, see profits for “value” beer brands skyrocket! The American dream, capitalism, in a nut shell.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Clinton Strikes Out With a Witty Rebuttle

I’m now worried on two fronts. Firstly, this here little space on the information superhighway is becoming more and more sports-centric. Secondly, - and vastly more disconcerting - politicians really like to talk about bowling. A lot.

In response to Obama’s bowling escapades, Hillary also entered the fray. "I have a proposal," Clinton deadpanned. "Today, I am challenging Sen. Obama to a bowl-off, a bowling night, right here in Pennsylvania. Winner take all. I'll even spot him two frames. It's time for his campaign to get out of the gutter ... and allow all of the pins to be counted. And I am prepared to play this game all the way to the 10th frame. And when this game is over, the American people will know, when that phone rings at 3 a.m., they'll have a president who's ready to bowl on Day One.”

Right. I guess we now know how that whole Lewinsky affair managed to go down. Hillary was in the White House bowling alley every night at 3 a.m. It all makes so much sense.

He's Seen the Bottom of Every Bottle


Chad Kroeger, lead singer of Canadian super-band Nickelback, was convicted of drunk driving in a B.C. court today. Although his blood alcohol level at the time of arrest was near twice the legal limit, his lawyers say they plan to appeal.

Never known for their humbleness, Nickelback has faced controversy in the past. In 2003, an internet buzz was created when bloggers realized that the band's hit songs "How you Remind Me" and "Someday" featured tremendous similarities. Mike Kroeger, the band's bassist, replied by saying "I think that's remarkable for someone to notice that there is a hit quality. If all hits sound the same, then sorry. When you are a band that has a distinct style such as us or AC/DC, that happens. When you have a distinct style, you run the risk of sounding similar."

Because Nickelback epitomizes everything wrong with mainstream, radio-friendly music, let us commemorate Kroeger's shame with a tribute, "How You Remind Me of Someday":

Dance the Chiki Chiki?

Here is just one more reason why the Basques want so badly to separate from Spain.

With over two months to go until the Eurovision 2008 Song Contest in Belgrade, this supposedly catchy ditty is winning by over seven million on-line votes. Why?

Sly or Rocky?


Today in Philadelphia, Hillary Clinton referenced Rocky Balboa when speaking to calls for her to drop out of the Democratic presidential primary contest. "Let me tell you something, when it comes to finishing a fight, Rocky and I have a lot in common. I never quit. I never give up. And neither do the American people," Clinton said.

Apparently, Clinton forgot to think through the comparison fully. Sylvestor Stallone, the actor playing Rocky since the first film's debut in 1976, is now the quintessential example of someone who should have given up his trade long ago. Arrested in 2006 at an Australian airport for steroid posession, at over 60 he is still making action films best suited for men half his age.

Hillary, do you really want this race to sag so low??

Bowling for the Presidency


The 'Good Train' Barack Obama might now have a problem. At a campaign stop Sunday, Obama laced up his highly-fashionable
bowling shoes
and yoked it up with some down-home regulars at the local alley.

Unfortunately, Obama bowled a 37. Yes, 30 freakin’ 7! Remember, a perfect score in bowling is a 300. Even worse, the White House has a bowling lane in the basement. Hastily defending his game, Obama quipped that “my economic plan is better than my bowling." To which an onlooker shouted, "it has to be."

Obviously Chris Matthews and his Hardball crew had to have the last word:

Top 5: Johnny Depp Edition

Johnny Depp has reportedly been offered $10 million to become the new spokesperson for Trojan's Magnum condom line. As such, we here at www.morehandythancapped.com decided to create a list of possible tag lines.

1) 'Cause his feminine facial hair won't protect you from Aids.
2) 'Cause he'll cut you if you get pregnant
3) What's sheathing Gilbert Grape?
4) Remember kids, wrap your Willy before it wonkas
5) Hey Ugmoes, now's your chance to have Johnny inside you.

Being Chic at Heathrow


If you’re a big fan of CNN International, you certainly know by now that London’s Heathrow airport has opened a massive fifth terminal, albeit to growing chagrin. Major technical glitches have caused havoc, cancelling flights and stranding passengers.

But when an airport, in its infancy, is experiencing “technical difficulties,” why not take the time to taste the local cuisine and peruse the newsstands? Most of the time, this means sucking it up and paying for an overpriced coffee, cookie or sandwich. What else are you going to do, right?

Well, this trend will go the way of Bill Richardson’s presidential bid if things don’t change.

While waiting for a colleague at Heathrow’s new T5, Terri Patsalides downed four frothy cappuccinos. While she was prepared for some price gouging, she wasn’t prepared for the bill of £361,514.97.

In other news, I just paid four dollars for a large, black coffee. Apparently a Venti Chai Latte with nonfat milk, a hint of lemon zest and a cinnamon twist is less costly. Who knew? Not the exploited Columbians – that’s for sure.