Dear Santa,
As a pluralism-endorsing, once-Harvard-professing, coalition-shunning, West Coast-olive-branch-offering, Toronto-centric, articulate, well-behaved, Senate-engineering, half-embarrassed-half-excited, baby-kissing, card-carrying, environment-loving (on paper), federal Liberal, I ask that you provide only the bare essentials this Christmas season. So I, Michael Ignatieff, ask for:
1) Harper’s sweater source (it had to be the sweaters, right?)
2) Last year back
3) Belinda Stronach, a life-like Peter MacKay mask and a greasy, symbolic bedroom floor to cross
3) Gerard Kennedy to find that damned time machine, go straight to 2006, and not fuck it up
4) Mike Harris to get a Senate seat (“Hey look, Ontario, it’s Mike Harris - Mike Harris with a Senate seat! Look! He’s really bad, remember him? Oh, wait, don’t bring up Bob Rae. Stop it. No comparison. Stop.”)
5) More recession + Jim Flaherty economic outlooks
6) Christie Blatchford to come out of the closet, find a supportive wife and stop slandering our defence policy simply because she’s “actually been” to Afghanistan
7) Julie Couillard to start dating Lawrence Cannon. Besides, Hedy Fry simply isn’t bringing the cleave
8) John Tory’s home phone number, just to call up and say “at least our former leader can get elected”
9) Barack Obama to say the following sentences in this exact order: “Michael Ignatieff is cool. He is even cooler than BlackBerrys, the internet and all celebrities combined. Young people should thus endorse Michael Ignatieff, because of said coolness.” Note: he must then smile
10) A single-use “I’m not a racist, I’m an academic” card, for use on my Ukrainian detractors
11) A picture of Danny Williams smoking a fatty with Hugo Chavez with their legs dangling over the edge of an expatriated dam
12) A one-way ticket out of this fucked up country
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