Canada Security Week

This past week sure has been extraordinary on Canada's defence fronts. The following news recap offers five reasons to feel truly safe this long weekend. Perhaps, to be extra careful, drink four bottles of wine and lock your doors until the world goes away.

1) Peter MacKay, the Stanley Cup, Jim Cuddy and Bob Probert (among other Canadian B-listers) went to Afghanistan so the troops could watch a photo op session under the guise of a sandswept ball hockey game. As a symbolic, cultural gesture the referees officiated the game under Sharia law. Obviously not accepting this Canadian olive branch, the Taliban continued repressing women and hockey players.

2) Homeless terrorists have unfettered access to classified national defence documents, including blueprints thrown into Ottawa's dumpsters. Apparently the designs, strangely reminiscent of Tim Horton's drive thru plans, are easiest to read with fingerless gloves. (P.S. is it not an ironic twist that the trial of three army reservists accused of killing a homeless man began this week in Toronto? Coincidence? I think not.)

3) Four illegal immigrants who hid on a transatlantic vessel, easily evaded port "security" and then took a cab to a VIA station en route to Montreal were eventually caught only because the ticket salesman thought it odd they were frantically trying to pay in Euros. He called the RCMP and CBSA to no avail, although eventually the group was apprehended by the Mounties. Later, a clarifying statement on behalf of the RCMP actually blamed the clerk. They said even though he had tried to do the right thing "he called the wrong number." They then tasered him and put it on Youtube.

4) When addressing the adequacy of Canada's recently-purchased naval submarines, Defence Minister Peter MacKay said that they were of "great value." By this, MacKay was likely referring to the HMCS Chicoutimi's deadly 2004 fire, or that only one out of the four vessels purchased will be operational well into 2009. I guess it's like that old set of fine china you keep in the cabinet to say you have, but never dare use.

5) Stockwell Day is the Public Safety Minister. Nothing spells public security like an anti-abortionist homophobe revamping our national police force! Ever been to a shotgun wedding?