First Post Results Are In

In typically overwhelming fashion, Steven Seagal has managed to single-handedly outfight five secessionist movements over the course of one week. Adding to this impressive feat was the shear strength of the competitors he faced. This win is a true testament to his skills not only as an actor, but a pseudo-sex symbol in Asia. As for the "other guys," let's see how the various separatists fared:

For starters, Tibet has been protesting like it's studying democratic reform in 1989. Their global gang have been backing them fully, pounding on embassy doors in full monk garb. This ain't Halloween Mao, we're kicken asses in Lhasa! Pow! As for Kosovo, they just inked a fresh arms trade deal with the United States, immediately upping their weapons supplies from none to some. They even brought their own backup, President Bush entering the scrap with a quick swipe from his irony sword. Take that Dayton Agreement! Indonesia, however, was rather subdued throughout the battle, its shaky peace deal and puritanical Islamic beliefs taking the bite out of the dog. Not to be forgotten, Basque's ETA came out of the bar swinging, prompting fears of future terrorist plots on Spanish tourist destinations. Thwack! Finally, Quebec was handily subdued, its population rapidly aging and bloated off Pepsi. Urrrp!

Thank you for voting. Despite the one-sidedness of the results, your participation proved that Mr. Seagal can still bust up any unauthorized political rally he chooses....with the power of rock and roll music!